I have no religious or spiritual background whatsoever. Looking back – this was a blessing, less of the stuff to dismantle. While people sometimes spend years and decades in the existential search, I never looked for anything prior to TR, and existential questions didn’t bother me much.
The loss of psychological self was a gradual process over the two years preceding TR. The details are not important, but in that process I stopped being affected by anything that anyone says or does. No reactivity of any kind, just obsering another’s motions, but not being touched by it.
At the same time the process of deconstruction from the world conditioning was taking place, it was torturous, painful as hell. Everything I believed I was – I wasn’t. Everything I thought about the world _ wasn’t. Mind you.. I had lived life pretty much on my own terms, but felt somehow guilty, not normal in the world which completely lacked common sense. In retrospect.. I’ve since met a few people whom I now call ‘unconsciously enlightened’, those who live from the INNER SENSE. And I was that too before it got me. Of course, now it’s clear to me that we all are enlightened, and so in its conventional sense – enlightenment is as much a fairytale as any story out there. Just that the lens of the human mind prevents most from seeing it, recognising it.
By that point I just lay myself down, both physically and metaphorically, and said ‘I don’t care. Show me, or kill me. Anything is better than this’. I surrendered. And then… I came across that passage from Jed’s online, accidentally, and immediately recognised its genuine provenance, that state of clawing madness to see, to know..
“Here’s a simple test. If it’s soothing or comforting, if it makes you feel warm and fuzzy; if it’s about getting into pleasant emotional or mental states; if it’s about peace, love, tranquility, silence or bliss; if it’s about a brighter future or a better tomorrow; if it makes you feel good about yourself or boosts your self-esteem, tells you you’re okay, tells you everything’s just fine the way it is; if it offers to improve, benefit or elevate you, or if it suggests that someone else is better or above you; if it’s about belief or faith or worship; if it raises or alters consciousness; if it combats stress or deepens relaxation, or if it’s therapeutic or healing, or if it promises happiness or relief from unhappiness, if it’s about any of these or similar things, then it’s not about waking up. Then it’s about living in the dreamstate, not smashing out of it.
On the other hand, if it feels like you’re being skinned alive, if it feels like a prolonged evisceration, if you feel your identity unraveling, if it twists you up physically and drains your health and derails your life, if you feel love dying inside you, if it seems like death would be better, then it’s probably the process of awakening. That, or a helluva case of gas.”
I was exactly in that space.
So I torrented (stole) the first book and started reading. By that point the Ego (ideas, thoughts, emotions or whatever else we call ‘us’ when we aren’t that) was in a crumbled state, but I still couldn’t see Reality clearly. All I had was the dots in my mind of this and that, not connected, no fluidity, no picture, a garbled jigsaw.
I don’t remember much about it now, because my mind was on fire, a completely destroyed sense of everything I knew, a cleared demolition ground, but where was the Clarity? What was that empty space? I needed to know where I had landed.
The details were not important, the book RESONATED to an unimaginable degree. I recognised the path, because I did exactly the things Jed did: quit my job two years prior, locked myself in, with only my son and an occasional friend dropping by. Read, but it was more of a blind reading, anything concerning ‘spiritual’ matters, except I threw away one book after another – not it, not it, not it…going by the gut instinct. I remember I could open any book in the local shop at a random page and within one paragraph recognise if there was anything valuable and true in it or not. I didn’t know then anything about ‘neti neti’ or what a satsang was, but somehow allowed myself to follow own drumbeat.
Anyway… Jed’s book.. it was late evening, I read near half of it, I remember thinking ‘Tired, will continue later’, put it down and then two things happened. My mind made what felt like 180 degree turn and what I call for lack of a better word – opened up. And also perceptually it felt like one of those moments in movies, visually, when the person stands still, but everything around them suddenly spins out of focus and rapidly moves away… I got physically still and… suddenly I could SEE with my inner eye (again, just a metaphor). All the questions disappeared. All the dots got connected. I could see past this present moment into the entire human history, from the life of a bacteria and the life of a galaxy to a life of a human.. I could zoom in on the smallest detail and fly out into space, I was the Worm God – everything and nothing at the same time. I had no questions, but strangely, could see the answers, it was mind blowing.
After a few minutes of being paralised by the vision I began to laugh and cry.. must have been a sight, got a particular song out and played it on the loop, laughed and cried again. Everything looked new. Not in a ‘new’ new sense, but different like seen for the first time.
It all sounds big and mystical, but it wasn’t. Very quiet, no levitation or seeing through objects or any other such nonsense. It changed nothing – and it changed absolutely everything. For the next few days I was in a state of haze: awe, gratitude, relief, wonder, amazement.. I also wrote loads, pages and pages of stuff. new understandings pouring out of me, couldn’t stop. Was ‘I’ still present? Yes, I was there, but I was not ‘me’ as I knew, a different being. I kept dropping into a perceptive state of great expansiveness every few days, it was not the same bliss as I had known before, but I know now there are many kinds of bliss.
The thing is… I didn’t know what kind of being I had become. I want to say that it’s a myth that dissolution of Ego means Ego absence. No human being has ever lost their ego. it cannot be ‘killed’, without one you are nothing but a jellyfish. BUT. Ego can be SEEN. I saw mine, it was there, but – NOT ME!!! I had become a being without attachement to ‘me’, a clear Vision.
Around one month into this I wrote to Jed for the first time. Shifts kept coming, some days small inner movements, I could see just that little bit more, and some days massive waves, a new realisation of this and that, deeper and deeper, it carried on and actually – never stopped since, although the intensity subsided.
What followed is kinda.. Flow. I don’t bother naming things for the sake of giving a name… I don’t plan much, but do the things which need to be done, what is placed in front of me at the time it’s placed. I packed my life back in the UK and moved to Asia, because I felt suffocated back there. I don’t emote, but have feelings, like clouds, passing in succession, some stay a bit longer, some – minutes, none stick. Very few attachements, and I feel no anger or resentment or judgement towards anyone, serial killers included.
I can see through people’s games very easily, how they feel, their true intent. I have psychological tools at my disposal to destroy a person’s sense of ‘selfhood’ very fast, and it will hurt them (although nothing can be hurt, and no one hurts, people just tell themselves they do), but only do so if their Ego is shoved right in my face, and it could benefit them in some way.
I’ve learned to read. Properly read what others write, what they MEAN. And if it’s still unclear – I will simply ask questions, no petty human games with words.
I saw that our true nature cannot be changed, it’s unchangable and eternal in that sense. What one has been given from birth is what one will take away to the grave. It’s futility to fight against the Blueprint. It sounds simple, but to get this on a gut level – is not easy, and most people never do.
I am still human on the outside, ordinary and sometimes a tad unnerving for people, but ONLY for those who don’t know who they are. And those who do – don’t feel threatened.. Jed is one of those, and he got plenty of straight talk. Makes me smile, but he can take it. I’m just not crazy anymore in the way most people are out there.., and I see Life for what it is, not for whatever story, wish, desire, thought, fairytale – is carried within the mind. Aware of my state of being, and frankly.. nothing is really that important anymore.
Oh… and Death, my faithful companion – is ever present. Every day. Every few weeks I drop into that sense of physically dying, as it was when I was eight… it’s only a feeling, but boy!!! does it bring home the reality of this Existence. Death awareness has been with me for a long long time, that helped I guess.
I love life and am immensely grateful that I got a chance to experience it… until the day comes when it’s no more. And it WILL come. I have seen it.
Here… I am THIS. And if THIS can be named, and its experiences – given a word.. so be it, it is not necessary nor important to me. Love that I am – is not a noun. Ever changing, ever speeding up and slowing down, falling into Infinity that we are. No limits.
I still talk to Jed, although it is now not about Truth or the search. I could write loads, it’s multifaceted and ever present and so ordinary and yet – out of this world. But in the end of the day all comes down to this: ALL BEGINS AND ENDS – with YOU.
Life is Simplicity itself.